On 21 of December, I know you. Be a friend to you. Aware that you are married. Keeping my distance away from you but you keep chasing me. Things got out of control. I have feelings for you. I choose to get close with your widow officer but it didn't change a single fact that this feelings is getting stronger. Then I gave you what everyguy wanted. Just to make sure you will stay away from me when you got. I was wrong, the distance that I expect didn't happen instead you are getting much more closer that I expect.

On 21 January 2011, You proposed me to be your special girlfriend and I agreed because of the feelings that I have for you. You gave me everything. You gave me the world. I changed my colour for you. 18 March 2011, we had the biggest fight. I wasn't prepare to lose you, so I tried my best to begged to you. You said lot of harsh word that hurt me, but I bear with it. By the time, I thought I was gonna lose you, you pulled, and hugged me, telling me that you will never let me got. I fought. You begged me and we were good again.

On 25 June and 5 July 2011, you make me cried the whole night long. Thinking that you were having your wedding and it wasn't me who seat n walked beside you in that ceremony. I cried and cried and cried untill I asleep.

On 27 June 2011, I tried to be tuff. I called you and I pull the trigger myself. I still pulled the trigger eventhough I know it will eventually kill me slowly. But within a day I pulled the trigger, it already killed half of myself. I cried and keeping crying. I went out that night alone, feeling to celebrate my freedom, I really thought I would have a good time but things went upside down. Each place I went and looked at, I saw you, your face, your smile, your laugh and foremost I can heard you said You love me. I got home, opened my room and I shut it back before I enter the room, because I saw you were sleeping in my bed soundly. I cried all night long thinking about you, thinking about how long will this thing keep going on.

On 28 June 2011, we met and we make up, I am back being your special girlfriend and I got my smile back. On 7 July 2011, we celebrated my god sister birthday at my mum house. I don't why but I really not in the mood of doing anything with you and I really felt like bursting out at that moment and I tried very hard to avoid it happen. After sending my god sister home. My god brother called and asked join him. You insist in going. I said yes. We finished hanging out with my god brother at 1 am. You then took me to the place I really don't want to go but I don't have the guts to tell you that I just wanna go home. That night, for the first time in my entire life, the guy I love more that myself cried before me and telling me that he sorry for hurting me. You make my love grew stronger and you make me feel how much you are really in love with me. We cried together. You hugged me tight, you kissed me like there's no tomorrow for us. You kept me in your arms securing me and my heart. You make me feel that you will never let me got no matter what I do or what happen. You convinced me and my heart that you have locked me inside your heart. I can't describe with words about my feelings that night with you. When you sent me home, I cried and cried, knowing no matter how much I love you or how much you love me, it still can't change the fact that our relationship will never end with one bold full stop.

After what happened on that night, I promised myself that I will put aside all my ego and will try my best to make you happy. If you noticed, starting from that very night onwards, I always tried my best to make you smile, to make you happy. But there was always a mistake that I accidently did and hurt you. Each time that I hurt you, I will ended up crying in my sleep, cried that I'd hurt the guy that I love. Then you came up with the news that you are going to Kluang for a job transfer and your wife is following you. If only I could tear up my chest and show you that my heart was crying, shouting not to leave me here all alone, I would have done it. It was like a huge stone fall on my head. From that moment, I started cried again in my sleep.

Then on August 2011, a week before you were about to finish your course. I took you the only place that I will share with the man that I love dearly. You didn't want to go at first. You told me there was nothing in that place, that we would be bored to death there, but insist in going and I also made a promise to you that you will never regret of following my decision. You agreed. We went there on Friday afternoon. When we reach there, I could see that you were smiling all the way up to the hills. Once we entered the Hotel lobby, your smile became more wider. And when we entered the room, you were smiling from your heart looking at me with the look that I missed so much. The look that I get from you when you proposed to me, I got it again that day in Berjaya Hills. We spent our day in the room. I had stomachache and you were sleepy. We slept and woke up passed 7 pm.

After the both of us got ready, we went out and I showed you the place, just a quick intro, then we headed to Genting Sempah and got back up after that. We had our dinner and my stepfather came and join us. While chatting to him, the musician came and played three songs for us, and I sang to you right from my heart that night. I almost cried because all the things that I can think of when I sang those songs was you were leaving soon. That night really make my heart cried, shouted, and begging you not to leave, but only in my heart. And that night you said it to me and I looked into your eyes and I can see that I succeed in ensuring that you will have a wonderful vacation in your life. That night you confess before me, holding my hand, dancing with me, you looked in my eyes and you said it. I felt like I am flying with the clouds when I heard you said it. I got what I dreamed and wish for and it was to make you be the happiest guy and have a wonderful vacation in your life.

After few days, you asked me to stay with you in your camp. I agreed. Eventhough, it was not like I dreamed but it was enough because I just want to spend my time with you. I helped you packed your stuff, I arranged your stuff so that it will fit your car.

Pada hari ini, genaplah sebulan lebih. Dia pergi tinggalkan aku. Dalam tempoh itu baru sekali aku berpeluang untuk berjumpa dia. Tak sampai sehari waktu aku luangkan bersama dia. Rindu yang ada di hati belum seinci surut. Belum puas aku menatap wajah dia, masa untuk aku pergi tiba.

Sejak dari tarikh aku berjumpa dia. Hubungan antara kami makin kurang. Dah tak ada sebarang call atau message seperti sebelum aku pergi ke sana. Malah dia terpaksa kursus di Kuala Lumpur pun tanpa pengetahuan aku. Berat sangat ke permintaan aku pada dia selama ini?

Aku rindu sangat pada dia. Aku nak dengar suara dia. Aku nak dengar dia ketawa. Aku nak dengar dan nak pastikan yang dia sihat kat sana. Aku cuma nak ceriakan hari dia. Aku tak nak dia marahkan aku sebab bila dia marahkan aku, mesti aku akan menangis. Aku tak menangis nanti kepala aku sakit.

Aku tak tahu nak minta tolong pada siapa selain dia. Aku tak tahu nak mengadu pada siapa melainkan dia. Aku tak tahu nak bermanja dengan siapa melainkan dia. Aku tak tahu nak bergurau senda dengan sesiapa melainkan dia.

Dulu aku ada ramai kawan, aku ada abang angkat aku tapi sekarang semua dah tak ada sebab aku tak nak dia marah dengan aku. Dulu aku liar sangat, aku keluar je dengan sesiapa yang ajak aku kuar, tapi bila aku jumpa, aku terus jadi jinak. Aku tak kisah kalau tak ada orang ajak aku kuar sebab aku tahu dia sentiasa ajak aku kuar walaupun waktu dia tak tahu nak pergi mana. Penghabisannya waktu itu, kita orang duduk dalam kereta, kat depan rumah aku, dia pandang aku, aku pandang dia.

Sehari sebelum dia kene posting, kitaorang spend time sama-sama. Dia manjakan aku, dia layan bak puteri raja, dia buat aku rasa bahagia sangat waktu tu. Tapi bila dia hantar aku balik. Aku rasa nak menjerit, pembuluh hati aku rasa nak pecah, aku rasa nak meraung kat dia supaya jangan hantar aku balik sebab aku tak puas lagi menatap wajah dia. Sampai depan rumah aku, aku cuba berlagak biasa sedangkan waktu tu aku dah tak sanggup nak tahan untuk menangis. Aku salam tangan dia, aku cium tangan dia lama sangat. Dia angkat dagu aku dan dia cakap jangan menangis sayang sebab I tak akan tinggalkan you. Mata aku dah bergenang, tapi cuba tahan lagi sebab aku tak nak menangis depan dia. Dia cium pipi aku kemudian dahi aku, dia cium lama sangat. Air mata aku jatuh, aku cepat-cepat kesat. Aku terus keluar dari kereta. Dia buka tingkap, aku berdiri depan dia. Aku cuba mengelak dari pandang mata dia sebab aku tak nak dia nampak aku menangis. Aku suruh dia pergi sebab aku takut aku akan jatuh menangis depan. Dia pandang aku seolah-olah dia tak nak lepaskan aku. Air mata aku terus berderu jatuh bila kereta dia bergerak pergi dari rumah aku.

Bermula pada malam itu sehingga sekarang, setiap malam aku menangis rindukan dia. Aku cuba untuk abaikan perasaan itu tapi aku kalah dengan diri dan perasaan aku. Setiap malam aku akan tengok semua gambar-gambar antara aku dan dia. Setiap malam aku akan melihat kalender menghitung hari bila aku akan dapat berjumpa dengan dia semula. Aku tak daya tak larat nak tahan lagi perasaan ini. Aku kalah dengan diri aku dengan cinta aku pada dia.

Setiap masa aku rindukan dia, setiap hari aku ingatkan dia tapi aku tak tahu samaada dia pun sama macam aku sentiasa ingatkan aku, sentiasa rindukan aku. Aku tak tahu. Hujung bulan ini hubungan aku dengan dia akan menjadi lebih renggang. Bermula hujung bulan ini dan selepas ini, aku tahu aku akan menjadi lebih teruk dari sekarang. Bermula hujung bulan ini juga aku tahu dia tak akan ada masa langsung untuk aku. Bermula hujung bulan ni juga, call atau message akan semakin berkurangan atau tak akan ada langsung dari dia. Bermula hujung bulan ini aku akan kembali menjadi Natasha yang sendirian, Natasha yang sepi dan Natasha yang menjadi penunggu kepada cinta yang sejati dan tulus untuk menampakkan sinarnya dalam hidup aku.

Wahai kekasih yang aku cintai dan sayangi,

Ketahuilah bahawa diri ini setiap malam menangis merindukan kamu. Ketahuilah bahawa diri ini setiap malam mengharapkan panggilan dari kamu supaya tidurku akan bertambah lena.
Ketahuilah bahawa diri ini tak berdaya untuk menahanrindu yang sentiasa menggunung dalam hati dan jiwa ini.
Ketahuilah bahawa diri ini perlukan dirimu untuk menjadi ubat dan penawar kepada racun yang sedang menjalar dalam badan ini.

Aku harap cinta aku dan dia akan berakhir di satu noktah yang pasti.

"Ya Allah, andai dia adalah jodoh yang telah Kau tetapkan untuk aku, maka Kau permudahkan segalanya agar kami bersatu dan andai dia bukan jodoh yang Kau tetapkan untuk aku maka Kau jauhkanlah dia dari hidup aku, Kau hapuskanlah kenangan yang wujud dalam hidup ini antara aku dan dia, Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk meneruskan perjalanan ini tanpa dia, Kau limpahkan cahaya hidayah Mu kepada aku Ya Allah. Aku redha Ya Allah dengan segala ketetapan yang Kau berikan pada ku Ya Allah."

Why is it happening again???

Aku dah berjanji dengan diri aku sendiri yang aku tak akan bersedih lagi selepas aku dapat peluang kedua yang aku perlukan dari dia. Tapi kenapa bila aku buka facebook dan ternampak gambar perkahwinan dia, aku menangis??? Aku tahu yang bukan aku yang berdiri di sebelah dia. Aku dah berjanji dan dah menerima hakikat dia adalah hak milik orang lain, bukan hak milik aku. Tapi kenapa dada aku rasa sesak??? Kenapa hati aku menangis??? Kenapa mesti aku MENANGIS bila aku pandang gambar-gambar itu???

Ya Allah... tolonglah aku, Ya Allah... Sungguh aku tak terdaya untuk melihat gambar-gambar itu. Aku kelu, aku sebak, aku sedih, aku menangis, aku terluka, aku menangis, menangis dan menangis...Sungguh aku sayangkan dia, malah aku terlalu sayangkan dia. Aku ahu sayang aku pada dia tidak akan mengubah apa-apa fakta atau hakikat bahwa dia telah pun menjadi hak milik orang lain.

Huuuhhh... Salah aku juga sebab mengaktifkan semula akaun facebook aku. Mungkin ini ujian yang aku kena lalui. Betullah kata mama, Allah tak akan jatuhkan ujian yang sebegitu untuk hambaNya andai Dia mengetahui hambaNya tidak mampu untuk menghadapi ujian itu. Aku redha. Aku harus redha. Aku bukan diciptakan untuk dirinya.

Salah aku kerana terlalu menyayangi dan terlalu menyintai dirinya sepenuh hati aku. Walaupun aku pasti dan tahu yang aku akan terluka dan akan jatuh terduduk dalam permainan percintaan ini.

Dan pada saat ini, walaupun dia ada di sebelah aku dibuai lena, namun aku berharap aku dapat larikan diri darinya dan hilangkan diri aku untuk seketika. Aku sedih, terlalu sedih, aku tak tahu macam mana nak ungkapkan kesedihan ini, tapi yang pasti pada saat ini aku terlalu sedih, terlalu sedih...!

December 2010

She went through a normal life after she broke with her "so-called-boyfriend". She got a work at a Construction company as an Account Clerk. She relieved that she could stand on her feet back these fast and it was a very abnormal thing for her. Well then, whatever it is she thankful that it happened. So the life went on and for sure she never know what did store for her in the future, non of us know.

And one day, she got a phone called from unknown number. She decided to answer it and so she picked it up, but what she doesn't know is that one single phone called going to change her life forever. After finish the phone conversation, she stared at the hand phone and lot of questions was playing in her mind. Then she said, well never mind at least I got a chance to release my tension for awhile.

As usual she arrived home around 7.30 pm by bus and as usual she will be lying down on her bed with her office wear. She was too lazy to change or take a bath first. Then again the unknown number called her and she picked it up. That person was confirming with her about the invitation to the function. After the phone called, she quickly took her long sweet bath.

Again the unknown number called to asked about the direction to her house and she text him the direction. It took her awhile to finally make up her mind on what clothes should she'll be wearing that night. Finally, she decided to be as simple as she can besides the place that she going to, all the people there already knew her very well.

As promised the guy arrived at 10.30 pm. She walked to the shop as said earlier and she found there were two cars waiting there for her and she wondering which one is the guy that called her. And suddenly, someone came out from the white car and called her name. She looked at the guy and he smile. Okay, now she knew that was the guy that called her.

The guy introduced himself to her and start driving to the town to picked up other girls. It's a normal thing thou for them when having a function. All the way to his next destination, he did eventually asked her lot of questions about her and about the function they were going to.

They arrived at TUDM Kuantan Base around 11.00 pm which was normal. So, as usual, they went in and he have to introduced the girl he bring to the officer. When he introduced her to them, both either the officer or her, laugh at each other while shake hands. She straightly went to the dance floor and took a place at the couch. He came to her and asked what drinks she would like to have and went off to serve her.

The music started and all the guys were dancing include with certain girls there. As for her, she waited for the best song first. So, there she was sitting there by herself and looking at the "dancing king and queen" on the dance floor. He came to her and asked her for a dance but she politely said no to him. So he went off dancing with the guys.

Suddenly one of the officer that knew her, greet her and they start to dancing. Three girls dancing together. Ain, her friends the officer, asked her, with whom she came, and she point out the guy. Ain went to him and slap his shoulder asking why he did not dance with his girl.

~To Be Continue~

Broken Heartz From Love 1

Masih lagi terbayang jelas di ruang minda dan mata ini, segala kenangan aku bersama dia. Walaupun aku telah mampu untuk melupakan dia namun aku tak mungkin akan melupakan semua kenangan antara aku dan dia.

Terasa bagai semalam baru kejadian itu berlaku. Aku tak mengerti mengapa dia yang aku tetap fikirkan sedangkan hati ini hebat dilukai oleh dia. Aku menjadi tidak jujur dengan diriku apabila datang soal hati dan cinta.

Aku sentiasa dihujani soalan yang sama oleh lelaki yang pernah hadir dalam hidup aku, dan aku berpura-pura dalam menjawab soalan itu. Aku tak pernah mengharapkan sesuatu yang indah untuk berlaku dalam hidup aku. Aku cuma pinta agar hati ini tidak akan dilukai oleh kaum Adam lagi.

Dalam percintaan, aku tak pernah mencari kemewahan harta atau kecantikan rupa paras seseorang itu, yang aku cari dan yang aku perlukan adalah masa dia untuk diluangkan bersama aku, perempuan yang dia sayangi dan cintai... Adakah itu terlalu mewah dan mahal harganya berbanding dengan berlian, permata dan topup?

Bila mula mengenali aku, tak pernah sehari dia miss untuk menghubungi aku. kemudian dia menyusun kata lamaran untuk menyunting aku sebagai teman istimewanya. Aku tangguhkan jawapan untuk melihat sejauh mana kesungguhan dia. Dan dia sanggup tunggu.

Tiba saat aku berikan jawapan yang ditunggunya, dia tersenyum lebar. Masuk minggu ketiga, hubungan itu berjalan, secara mendadak, handphone ini tidak pernah berbunyi kembali, walaupun sehari dari dia.

Setiap masa dan saat, aku menunggu panggilan dan sms dari si dia, bila aku menghantar atau menelefonnya, pasti tiada jawapan dan balasan darinya. Aku jadi keliru dengan apa yang berlaku. Aku sering tenangkan diri dengan memikirkan dia mungkin sibuk dengan kerjanya, namun aku tidak mampu untuk terus berpegang dengan fikirkan itu.

Aku tak mampu untuk mengalirkan air mata ini lagi setiap kali aku terkenang dia. Memang aku sayangkan dan cintakan tapi apa gunanya aku bertepuk sebelah tangan, sedangkan dia cuma mencari aku bila dia kebosanan.

Tak terlintas di hati aku untuk curang apatah lagi untuk meninggalkan dirinya, tapi salahkah diri ini apabila aku menyambut tangan lain yang datang menghulur di saatkan aku paling perlukan dia? Aku terpaksa pilih yang mana terbaik untuk aku. Aku tak pernah curang atau berniat untuk melukakan hati dia sepertimana hati aku, dia lukakan dalam diam.

Dan rentak hubungan ini tak pernah berakhir dari dulu hingga sekarang, semua lelaki yang pernah hadir dalam hidup aku semua tak mampu untuk meluangkan masa mereka pada aku. Kenapa alam percintaan aku terjadi begini? Mengapa terlalu sukar untuk aku capai pelangi di ufuk langit sedangkan yang aku pinta hanyalah masa untuk diluangkan bersama aku, bukannya intan, emas atau berlian.

Diri dan hati ini terlalu penat dengan permainan yang dimainkan dalam hubungan ini, aku tak mampu untuk membiarkan hati ini dilukai dalam diam seperti dulu. Dan aku juga tidak mahu merasa kesunyian dan kesepian setiap kali aku melihat pasangan lain bermesra dan bermanja.

Hati ini sentiasa sebak dan sebu tatkala melihat kemesraan pasangan lain...